I am honestly:

1.  Eating more than usual.  I've been all sorts of weights and I know there is a connection between the up and the down, the "full" and the "satisfied"--the "hungry" and the "empty".  Anyway, I don't want to spend too much time thinking about it (this worryenergy needs to be diverted to more productive, less self-obsessed channels).  I know I don't simply eat food to fuel my activities.  I eat food because I yearn, because I love taste, because I'm bored, because I need to chew something, gnaw through my own worry.  I eat to celebrate.  I eat to mourn.

2.  Wanting to spend time with so many people and not sure where the day goes (as the cliche goes).  And I look for ways to open those spaces.  Mom and Mike have been here since Friday putting in my new tub and the noise and work and movement are so comforting.  And I want to live in a giant house with all the people I love.  And I will.

3.  Wondering how I will get everything done.  We all wonder this.  ...all things are possible...   But what of the ways I stop myself?  What of the ways I worry/doubt/fret/read and reread/crease brow/sweat it until all my energy is spent and there is little left for the real work?  The liar makes a convincing and deadly argument.  But there is Another who Set It Straight.  How do I learn to train my ear to hear this Voice above the other?

4.  Turning my house into a jungle.

5.  Hoping to spend some time this summer recording 17 minute piano epics and learning a few Hymns.

6.  Still not ready to say everything.  And then I am.  It was said for you.  But you still need to feel it in your mouth, taking shape in breath and sound and sigh.  All the things you thought you couldn't say.  Because this is part of letting it go.

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